Happy Ending

i remember when we lost your brother
it was Memorial Day and your skin was tan
my heart was young but it hurt for you

i tried to imagine losing my brother
and sat in the sun all afternoon
until my skin was red and hot
and spent the next four days
peeling it off

his wake was a three hour car ride north
when we used to go visit him
we would take the long way through the mountains
and would stop by the river for lunch
but that day we took the highway
i was worried we would never see the river again

he was young and everyone said so
i remember thinking i should always be crying
so i cried
and when the tears would leave me
i would walk back to his casket
and look at him
and continue to cry

when we got home
i looked up the word autopsy
and hugged my mother
and she told me she was sad
and i said
i know
and then she told me
don't be sad for me

today when you called me crying
i wanted to suspend
what ever
it
was
that you were going to say
i wanted to push it so far away
that it didn't exist
and no one would ever speak of it