But if you think about it. Existential Crisis Part III

okay okay okay
I am not going through
any kind of crisis right now
existential or otherwise
In all honesty
I rarely worry about anything
when I do
worry
the solution just appears
out of thin air
it takes less than fifteen minutes
I would call it luck
but I haven't found
a four leaf clover
yet

Somehow I feel responsible for our political arena
when I say 'our'
I mean yours and mine
Somehow I became so disconnected
that I let Pennywise and Hodor
become our knowledge of the world
It is scary
I am sorry
please remember
my only thoughts were you and me
I thought that if I pretended
nothing bad could  happen
(distract me)
then nothing bad would ever happen
(I was wrong)
I really wanted to sound poetic
right now
but I also just wanted to tell you
make a big goal
write it down
do some research
How long will it take?
What do you have to do?
What does it take?
Then just do it.
It sure makes
showing up every day
worth while.

I guess I'll write a poem now

Redefining Existential Crisis Part III

If you think about it
You might do better
to sit still
stay in one place
so the travelers
might pass by you
instead of
you passing them by

If you think about it
you might talk yourself 
in to being love
This is where you will find me
but if you stop thinking about it
you will meet travelers
with no path
And you will make each other worse

Redefining 'Existential Crisis' Part II

It is the way Ray Lamontagne says
"Three more days
Girl, you know I will be coming home
to you, my Darling"
I believe it every time I hear it
Maybe it is Friday
so I hold my breath
for seventy-two hours
and shave my legs on Monday

It is the way Leon Bridges says
"Baby, Baby, Baby I'm coming home"
I hear it while I bus tables
believing you will walk through the door
at any moment
I am so excited for you to show up
so I clear tables better than anyone ever
wishing I had worn a dress
hoping you notice my kindness

It is how I 'Remember the Mountain Bed'
calms my nerves when I can't sleep
"why people laugh and love and dream
they fight and they hate to die."
Every time I listen to these words
I listen to them at least three times
and to be honest, it is all I listen to
"...I see my life was brightest
where you laughed and laid your head."

Redefining 'Existential Crisis' Part I

A few months ago

someone asked me

what "existential crisis" means

I said

it's when you start realizing

that other people

aren't like you

so you start trying

to be a better person

for them

Someone immediately stopped me

they said, "No, 'existenialism'

has nothing to do with other people.

It is when you question your self,

your own existence."

I honestly didn't see the difference

but conceded quietly.

Today I got so excited for you

I haven't felt this empathetic in years

Every time we spoke

or brushed by each other

I could feel you in the future

smiling, gleaming, laughing

Every time I asked you for a favor

I could feel the past in you

saying, "yes I will do this now"

and by the time it mattered

everything that needed to be done

was done

and it was easy

because you did it for me

without thinking

that it was some kind of burden

on you

Pick me

I pick you

Kerosene

The thing about kerosene
is it's meant to be lit.
A fire is its intent
To store it in a damp place,
to keep it and not use it,
must be some kind of a sin

but that's not the point

I am not gay
I am not black
I am not Christian
I have been raped
I have been judged
I see the best in people
I do not understand
how hate still exists

I do not want bad things to happen
to make good people understand what bad is
I do not want the good things that happen
to be put on pedestals
Goodwill is breathing to me
Kindness is my heartbeat
None of this makes sense to me

I guess I just want humanity
to breathe the same breath as me
Inhale (slowly with great purpose)
Exhale (slowly with great purpose)
every breath in an escape from greed
every breath out an entrance to good deed

in my small world, this is breathing
but maybe for you
this is a whole new way of thinking

No. New. Friends. And other ways I love you.

I wish my headphones were louder.
I wish I could talk to people,
have everyday interactions
with my headphones in my ears.

There is a song that I know
called Radio Child
and when I can not hear music,
it becomes me. I start singing
anything that seems fitting
to what I am seeing
or hearing
and this is where puns come from.

Most recently, I have learned love
and can be myself completely
with anyone who wants my company.
I am choosy, particular, almost selfish
with my time now. No. New. Friends.

I think about your shirt sleeves
more often than I should.
There is a perfection
in the way you fold them
that I admire and it consumes me.
I want you to teach me.
I think about you all of the time,
wonder what you are eating,
worry about how you are sleeping,
wishing you were here with me.