Grind

The last time I did drugs was six years ago
after I found out my boyfriend was an asshole
I did a line of shitty Arkansas cocaine
and moved his mother's dining room table
into the hallway of our condo
stacked those heirloom chairs and all his clothes
on top of it so he couldn't walk in
An hour later I put everything back in its place
It was almost sunrise before he came home
and we had sex for the last time

I buy lottery tickets with my tip money

and you would ache for me if you only knew

how much I really think I will win every time

that I scratch the quarter across the paper ash

My modest daydreams are not asking for much

The most heartbreaking thing about it though

is my favorite fantasy of not telling the one

that I want to marry about all my new money

until he proposes to me and then, surprise!

I am rich. I am very very very rich

It has been eight months since I have had sex

and I still entertain the concern
that I control the weather
I am trying to let people be close to me
by telling them my inner thoughts
while animating my current thinkings
but feel further away as they just laugh at me
Funny is a code word for deeply thoughtful
and also I am obsessed with cleanliness
because I am trying to be close with God