My Party For You

We are not as beautiful

Stop, start over
We are the beautiful,

We are the beautiful ones
We are Whitman's witness
and Tom Robbin's darling

We are the deserving ones,
our opinions, most adamant
on beer choice or decoration
are hell bent and true

We are the Declaration
of Independence
If you want to hear an earful
come sit next to one of us
I will destroy you

Not in a mean way
I declared from day one
that I loved you
so completely
that I could easily rescue
you from any party

I just want to stand next to you
This is my offer
Push it away
or draw it near
you can pretend
it is not here
but it's your last chance

Red in the Face and It's Only Wednesday...

I guess it takes a lot to embarrass me

or what does embarrass me is so innocuous  

that it is easy to just… let it go

things from my childhood

feelings by proxy

bandstanding just for show

I guess my reset button is more accessible

than my self-destruct mode

But today I am embarrassed

not for being a woman

not for any of the times

I left red stains on my sheets
but because I thought wishful thinking
could fix an entire world of brutality

I am red in the face
Hypocrites and Bigots,
you caught me
I can't fix this
unless
you decide once and for all
that you're not better than me
you're not better than anybody
But you're better than
your current disgrace

Oh man, let's take a few steps back
I'm just talking about breakfast

In the morning, we all deserve
coffee, pastries, cake-like things,
and hard fried eggs on toast
but if you get it from the shop
'round the corner
you only get what's on the menu
So don't come looking for a Sunday
among the good people
on a Friday...
we're busy frying fish

Simple:: Happiness Is

It is hard to believe
that goodness
has limitations
or exceptions
It is difficult
to keep you happy
I think it's because
you don't know
what happy is.
Simply put
happiness is

(long pause for theatrics' sake)

Being glad there are locks on doors
Unlocking doors
If you remember correctly
we are still listing simple things:
Hats that make us feel like a superhero
Coffee shops that hand us our coffee
while we're still in line
Tuesdays that feel like Saturdays
Wednesdays that feel like
I can do this
See you next day
that ends in day
or morrow...

My Ongoing Control Issues, Inevitable Death, and Pretentious Poem Titles

The toast was cold and brittle
the butter did not melt
but the butter knife was spotless
You thought to yourself,
"How do you fuck up toast?"
I felt guilty,
then extra guilt
because I made the next one extra perfect
Because when I die, I want to know
that for every one that got away
everything else was so exceptional
that no one even thought to notice
the occasional water marks
or people that just want to love you

March 18th, 2013 and The Summer 2016

I painted my nails silver and pink
one shade drawn over the other
I washed my hair twice and let it air dry
but not before I brushed out the tangles
Today I crawled out of a three day dream
and as I stood in front of the mirror
naked, sick, and healing
I thought
This is what a coma feels like

My phone rings and plays ditties
I try sometimes to answer and speak
The voice on the other line saying
You sound terrible. Try to get some sleep
I have been sleeping though
I've slept through appointments,
dates, and obligations
Helplessly lounging on pillows,
quilts, and comforters
A silent voice screaming
Come fix this
An unknown voice reassuring me
that we can and we will
make this better

Vantage Point

If you find me sitting in silence
please remember
there is no silence
The earth is eternally settling
Like an old house at 3:00am
the center of the planet pulling on
hardwood floors
The highway, trains, and trees
rattling the concrete foundation
If there is an earthquake in Prague
it makes a noise here

If you find me sitting in silence
please know
I am only trying to hear more
The world is loud and getting louder
like a stubborn bourbon rant
by a southern urban boy
who doesn't know his ass from the floor
but thinks he deserves
the prettiest girl in the bar
There is no silence here
There are only listeners

View from Up Here

I used to take intimacy on my back

This is a common condition

among the people I know well

This is when eye contact gets weird

and one starts to wonder if feeling good

is about to end

This is why the next person I sleep with

will know my body

before they know my lips

I find sex to be distant

compared to kissing

Can I hold your hand and ask you favors

can we get so mad at one another

that we do not speak for two days

but still sleep next to each other?

If you feel the same way as me

then you are already and always

my friend

Better Rhetoric Part III of IV

I have found myself in
a conflicting state of sleep or sweep
Sleeping is easy
My duvet is down and soft
I wrap my legs around it at night or
once I finally decide to open my eyes
bury my head under it during the day
letting its translucence wash my form
in the western light that floods my room
The longer I stay here
in different  postures of rest and content
the more aware I become of my body
I clutch my belly and feel its folds
lightly feather the space above my hip
that encourages muscles I do not use
to contract and tell my brain, intimacy
fingertips, nails chipped and smooth
This is not primal sleep
it is lucid hibernation
When it washes over me completely
I am both paralyzed and euphoric
my dreams keep me on my back
and I truly can choose any One
to come lie next to me and I do
When this becomes unsatisfying
I sit up straight in my bed and am awake
put both feet on the hardwood floors
stretch out the soreness of sleep
shower then find a garment that suits me
put the kettle on the back burner
and spoon coffee into a clear cylinder
As I wait for the whistle to call me
my eyes begin to adjust to living
and the only thing I want to do is sweep
It is a simple chore but it astounds me
as I recount the hours of stillness
that somehow created this debris
I pull out the broom and dustpan
and start at one side of the room
my back is bent over uncomfortably
the look on my face is not pretty
but eventually I gather the remnants
of things that settle into corners
into a pile in the middle of the room
The running joke is you never can
sweep them all into your dustpan
there will always be a trace of the past
collected in a straight line, out of reach

Better Rhetoric Part II of IV

My sleep cycle is all wrong
and I haven't washed my sheets
in at least a week
Okay
Two weeks
Okay
A month
I still can't lie
but I can tell a story
and am getting better
at falling asleep
even if
there is beer in the fridge
Today I let you
take me on a walk
and I think that hidden alley way
we found
is my new favorite hiding place
I want to take
all of our friends there
one
by
one
and maybe
they won't think
to take
the same
pictures
as you
but I will remember
every
time
we paused
to steady
your camera
on the secret things
we found

Better Rhetoric Part I of IV

Her name is mine and for ten years
I made a living of arriving when
I was scheduled to be somewhere

Every other time I show up
is because I choose to be here.

The dark trains scream by my patio.
The noise is silence to me but
last night it woke me up

I could feel the light it carried
Every single compartment was lit.

Tonight has bled into the morning
and I am listening to sounds
I have never heard

I dream of entering your dreams
that wake you up thinking of her

Tentatively Cinderella

I rarely think like this
but today I wondered
when did this happen?
When did my heart
become calm?
My mind thinks about
chaos
budgets
trinkets
and other things
I can organize.
My mind is a gadget
that was designed
to compartmentalize
catastrophe and every
word ever said to me.

When did my heart become calm?

I do not know
what the correct answer is
but the answer
I am looking for
 is when I recognized
that  the majority of people
are good and harmless and alive
and are living every day
to peacefully include every body.
We laugh louder than you.
We are smarter than you.
We read better books than you.
We throw better parties.
We are happier than you.
We have better sex than you.
We outnumber you.

Hard Break-Ups

You never want to be
on the wrong side
of love that has to let go
When love is good
it shows up on time
every time
When love is great
it is always present
and the machine
that compels it
writes its name
on the wrist
of the small person
that propels it
When love is grand
there is a conversation
that ever remains
Do you love me?
Yes
Did I disappoint you?
Yes
Can I stay here, still?
.....
 No


Hard break-ups

But if you think about it. Existential Crisis Part III

okay okay okay
I am not going through
any kind of crisis right now
existential or otherwise
In all honesty
I rarely worry about anything
when I do
worry
the solution just appears
out of thin air
it takes less than fifteen minutes
I would call it luck
but I haven't found
a four leaf clover
yet

Somehow I feel responsible for our political arena
when I say 'our'
I mean yours and mine
Somehow I became so disconnected
that I let Pennywise and Hodor
become our knowledge of the world
It is scary
I am sorry
please remember
my only thoughts were you and me
I thought that if I pretended
nothing bad could  happen
(distract me)
then nothing bad would ever happen
(I was wrong)
I really wanted to sound poetic
right now
but I also just wanted to tell you
make a big goal
write it down
do some research
How long will it take?
What do you have to do?
What does it take?
Then just do it.
It sure makes
showing up every day
worth while.

I guess I'll write a poem now

Redefining Existential Crisis Part III

If you think about it
You might do better
to sit still
stay in one place
so the travelers
might pass by you
instead of
you passing them by

If you think about it
you might talk yourself 
in to being love
This is where you will find me
but if you stop thinking about it
you will meet travelers
with no path
And you will make each other worse

Redefining 'Existential Crisis' Part II

It is the way Ray Lamontagne says
"Three more days
Girl, you know I will be coming home
to you, my Darling"
I believe it every time I hear it
Maybe it is Friday
so I hold my breath
for seventy-two hours
and shave my legs on Monday

It is the way Leon Bridges says
"Baby, Baby, Baby I'm coming home"
I hear it while I bus tables
believing you will walk through the door
at any moment
I am so excited for you to show up
so I clear tables better than anyone ever
wishing I had worn a dress
hoping you notice my kindness

It is how I 'Remember the Mountain Bed'
calms my nerves when I can't sleep
"why people laugh and love and dream
they fight and they hate to die."
Every time I listen to these words
I listen to them at least three times
and to be honest, it is all I listen to
"...I see my life was brightest
where you laughed and laid your head."

Redefining 'Existential Crisis' Part I

A few months ago

someone asked me

what "existential crisis" means

I said

it's when you start realizing

that other people

aren't like you

so you start trying

to be a better person

for them

Someone immediately stopped me

they said, "No, 'existenialism'

has nothing to do with other people.

It is when you question your self,

your own existence."

I honestly didn't see the difference

but conceded quietly.

Today I got so excited for you

I haven't felt this empathetic in years

Every time we spoke

or brushed by each other

I could feel you in the future

smiling, gleaming, laughing

Every time I asked you for a favor

I could feel the past in you

saying, "yes I will do this now"

and by the time it mattered

everything that needed to be done

was done

and it was easy

because you did it for me

without thinking

that it was some kind of burden

on you

Pick me

I pick you

Kerosene

The thing about kerosene
is it's meant to be lit.
A fire is its intent
To store it in a damp place,
to keep it and not use it,
must be some kind of a sin

but that's not the point

I am not gay
I am not black
I am not Christian
I have been raped
I have been judged
I see the best in people
I do not understand
how hate still exists

I do not want bad things to happen
to make good people understand what bad is
I do not want the good things that happen
to be put on pedestals
Goodwill is breathing to me
Kindness is my heartbeat
None of this makes sense to me

I guess I just want humanity
to breathe the same breath as me
Inhale (slowly with great purpose)
Exhale (slowly with great purpose)
every breath in an escape from greed
every breath out an entrance to good deed

in my small world, this is breathing
but maybe for you
this is a whole new way of thinking

No. New. Friends. And other ways I love you.

I wish my headphones were louder.
I wish I could talk to people,
have everyday interactions
with my headphones in my ears.

There is a song that I know
called Radio Child
and when I can not hear music,
it becomes me. I start singing
anything that seems fitting
to what I am seeing
or hearing
and this is where puns come from.

Most recently, I have learned love
and can be myself completely
with anyone who wants my company.
I am choosy, particular, almost selfish
with my time now. No. New. Friends.

I think about your shirt sleeves
more often than I should.
There is a perfection
in the way you fold them
that I admire and it consumes me.
I want you to teach me.
I think about you all of the time,
wonder what you are eating,
worry about how you are sleeping,
wishing you were here with me.

Mise en Place

All day long I set things in their place

before it begins

this here

as it goes along

that there

Sometimes I am led to believe

people are fooling with me

How quickly and erratically

things become misplaced

trash in the lemon bowl

dirty plates where the lattes go

straw wrappers litter the floor

At best, I am a babysitter

that does not have permission

to tell the children, "No"

All day long I think of food and sex

our first dinner 

would be

a garden salad

and steak

Something simple but elegant

the bed already unmade

How else could we enjoy the meal

if we do not have

a few moments first

to say grace and please and thank you

bodies pressing together

Like palms, pressed together in prayer

both asking for nourishment

it is now blessed, "Amen"

About Anything Else

I got sixteen hours of sleep last night
Woke up sixteen minutes after midnight
and I think I said, "Hallelujah"
as I did the math in my head
I woke up again at 1:45am
killed the ice water by my bed
reluctantly put both feet on the floor
and refilled my pink, plastic cup
to the brim
At 3:54am I got a message from you
You said you were sorry
I said I was sorry too
Just a coupla girls texting each other
at four in the morning
trying our best to be friends
and not boyfriend replacements

I do this all of the time
Just forget any indiscretion
because none of it is important
The only things that matter to me
are listening with all of me
believing in basic human decency
remembering I am free
and sleep
If I throw back a few drinks as I go
look someone in their eyes
and feel at home
spend too much time on a patio
cry my heart out over a poem I wrote
always find myself in good company
It doesn't mean I am lucky
I think it means I am deserving

Dreading the day you died, again.

Each year as your birthday approaches,

arrives, and passes I feel thankful. Prepared.

April is full of life and poetry and plans.

Then May appears and the dread sits in.

I count it down, twenty eight, twenty seven

...fifteen, fourteen days until you die again.

The mental preparation takes a back seat

to remembering what I choose to forget

every other day except for May.

Sometimes, I try to paint you as absent anyway.

Other times you are a hero, Superman,

and the funniest person I have ever known.

I make jokes at work that I need attention

because my father never loved me

and I get a good laugh from my heart ache

but we both know how I stood at your wake

and told the story of a man who loved

with all of him but never knew how much

was enough or how to say such a thing.

I love you. 

It really is that simple, Dad. 

I am sorry it was so hard for you.

We Almost Held Hands

I keep playing the entire night
over and over in my mind
I let go and let it happen
and when I woke up this morning
I couldn't stop thinking
did it work? Did I do all of the things?
I don't even know what the things are
that invite people to love you
But I do know
you should be honest
even if you're bullshitting
I know one should never take more
than what is yours
I know that when someone kisses you
it is the greatest kindness they can offer

I keep playing our dialogue
over and over in my mind
some of which I forget
but I remember telling you
you are always welcome here
and you can have me in any form of dress
When you picked less
I think I married you
If this is scary, if I am too much for you
Happy Trails, Pal
My little dresses are for me
and my bed has never made itself
the Alstroemerias do not water themselves
I am here
with or without you

Quickly: Without Attention to Detail

The day drinkers will all agree with me
attention to detail is for the Saints
and they would much rather tangle with
the madwomen and the straights

However, I disagree with all of me
I want nothing more than to meet
the eyes of the hands that untangle everything
I think we'd be better off if I said what I mean

It is easy to forget about responsibility
I do not mean bills or rent or loans
How is it not obvious? You are an adult
You are responsible for your own happiness

Your mother no longer offers her tit
Your father can not fit you on his hip
You want to go up and down up and down
That's fine, but being caught is not guaranteed

This last little bit of advice is free
If your culture is a scene you're not uplifting
If your language, skin color, or upbringing
never once hindered you from being you
You have no right to complain about anything

The Muse Speaks: Soft and Simple

it is overwhelming
casting lines and spells
on tunnel visioned girls and boys
so the muse visits to calm me
whispers sweet truths and nothings
You are always welcome here

believe me when I tell you
i live so presently
that the past means only to me
that I can see the future
in a grandmotherly,
if not, witchy sort of way

and déjà vu is not Groundhog's Day
it is more like a glitch in the matrix
pay attention to
what those feelings of familiar
are showing you
at least that is what I do

on a day like today
when i felt completely unprepared
but showed up anyway, I am here
press play, say whatever comes to mind
because i am soft and simple
and the muse speaks to me

Artery

love is complicated
it is a many tangled thing
but the heart is simple
even with its many tangled veins
it is dissectible
able to be understood
do not confuse your love
with your heartbeat
one pulses
with or without you
the other relies on you
and hopes it does not raise the pressure
when you are wanting for love
look around
it is the only thing you have ever done
so stay loose
and believe in the thing
you first believed in
where your heart lives easy

Head Phones

It is funny
that I call it
my music
These combustions of truth
beauty in melody
that I hold so closely
have nothing to do with me
I can't think of anything
that is more mine
than my favorite line
from a song or epic album
Right now
it is Muchacho by Phosphorscent
it has become me
Tonight, it might be Lemonade
I don't know though
as much as I want
to connect with everybody
the most important thing
to me
is the exclusivity
of only feeling
what I am feeling
presently

Coming Along

When I stopped looking
into the mirror
to find myself
I found my reflection
in the people I meet
None of them
look like me
but they say the same words as me
and get proud and hungry
confused
thirsty and sleepy
They look at me
as if I were a mirror
and ask questions
or order me to do their bidding
This is all fine by me
The only thing I ever wanted from me
was to do right by you

Doppler Radar and Decoupage

It is lonely
to wait for the other one
if you believe
the other one is
more like Winter than Spring
It is no big thing
to celebrate your birthday
one week exactly
before the Summer Solstice
If you believe the Fall
is the end all be all of hibernating
you are closer to the beginning
than the end
trust me
We are different parts of the puzzle
I am really good at getting it started
it is those last few pieces
the ones that mimic each other
that need a little help
being put together
but I forgive you for calling me lonely
I have been looking for a reason
to tell you
about glorified glue

Power Outages

I rely on inspiration
entirely
but burn up my expensive candles
on any whim
I do not invest in the cheap ones
maybe I should
but thus far
or at least for the last twelve years
I have been pretty lucky on the grid
the lights just haven't gone out
It has been a long time
since I have sat in the total darkness
but besides my useless flowers
and used up scented candle jars
I always feel ready for it

The Draw

It's an open invitation
but the responses
keeping coming back
as accusations
"Do you want to be with me?"
Yes. I do.
I am sorry
But I'm not sorry
I like your satchel
and the way
you interact with people
I like your beard
and all of your button up shirts
I like that you don't have to
unlace your shoes
Yes, I want to be with you.

Champagne, Darling?

Let's have a dialogue
is what I said to the tree
but the tree just shook its leaves at me
so I brushed off my foliage
but as I turned away
I worried someone would come
chop that tree down
and turn him into lumber
Suddenly I was so concerned
about what would become of him
At best he would become a dance floor
or a piece of firewood in winter
but what if he was just left
in some yard somewhere
and was never weather-proofed
How would he ever hold a champagne flute
or have a conversation with me?

Cloud Breaking

Today at Boulevard
a regular asked a special favor
He said, "Hey, will you make the rain let up?
Just for a minute?
I know you can do that sort of thing."
I said, "Yes, absolutely,
but don't tell anybody."
I brewed some more coffee
and he thanked me
as he walked out the open front door
without borrowing an umbrella
A few minutes later
the lights flickered in unison with the thunder
the lightening seemed mad at me
it came down in droves
But what else could I do?
I'm in customer service

E Pluribus Unum (One From Many)

Coins are usually made of copper
and other elements
such as zinc and nickel
Paper money is made of one part linen
and three parts cotton
Red and blue synthetic fibers
of various lengths
are distributed evenly
throughout the single
Before World War I
these fibers were made of silk
A one dollar bill
has the life expectancy
of twenty-two months
It costs five cents to make it
Or sometimes
if you're just really talented
and listen with all of your heart
people will just give it to you

Umbrella Man

I was disappointed
but indignant
It was raining
I only had Coors Light to drink
but they were cold
and I drank them quickly
I was wanting for Romeo, again
It was one in the morning
every time a car drove by
it nearly gave me a heart attack
The patio was covered
I was settled in to blankets
The street, divided by a lawn,
was empty and still
besides the soft pelting
of rain on the grass
and the twinkle of illimunation
as the streetlight fluxed
That's when he appeared
for the first time
I should have been scared
rain coat, boots, hat,
and an umbrella
all different shades of faded yellow
I watched as he passed through the lawn
imagining the grass was freshly cut
and the green shavings
were collecting around rubber soles
and up to even the shins of his pants
From east to west, he carried himself
then west to east and back again
He didn't seem to have a mission
besides showing off
his big, yellow, faded umbrella

E.P. (Every Person) I Meet vs. Love at First Sight

Hearing a song for the first time
that captivates you completely
is Love at First Sight

You don't even know the words yet
but each movement and lyric
has mesmerized you

You want more
so you play it again and again
until you know it completely

And maybe when you meet someone
for the first time
they have this same effect on you

The good impression you had of them
hangs in the balance
of that first listen

So you press for more
but instead of repeating
the perfection of introduction

you enter into an expectation
of the album, hoping each date is greater
or as good as the first song you heard

This is why I'm no good at dating
Every one I meet
is a one hit wonder

Oz and Ends

When Dorothy left Kansas
it was unexpected
and she didn't know
if she would ever get home
again
She was a tourist
thrown into a different land
and I know she was afraid
but she was also very brave
exploring a new world
How could she have known
where to begin
She was lucky too
She didn't have to ask for direction
but she sure paid attention
to every map given to her
and swooped up her best friend
paid attention to conversation
made new friends as she went
and literally was dancing
as she put one foot in front of the other
and headed down an unknown road
to travel to a city she had never heard of

All the context clues are telling me
There is No Place Like Home
but everything that's happened to me
recently
Feels Like A Tornado

Fruit Flies and Day Drinking

I'm watching this little gnat
that I rescued from my red wine glass
and he is rehabilitating
like a champ
I haven't given him enough time
to sober up
but that isn't stopping me
from telling him, in full sentences,

Do Not Hang Out With The People
Tell your ant, wasp, and mosqito friends
to stay the fuck away from us
We Will Kill You
I AM TELLING YOU THIS AS A FRIEND
Your Kind Is Not Welcome Here
Get the hell out of dodge
and go live in the woods somewhere

This is what I told my gnat friend
I also warned him about over-population
and offered him water
Man, I shouldn't have a soft spot
for fruit flies
but I had to do something
I didn't mean to almost kill him
I'm just day drinking

It's All For Show

Let's be clear right now
none of this
is for show

This is a beating heart
an occupied mind
a plebeian learning
how to brew coffee

I juggle
because I do not
endorse boredom
I speak because I can
None of this is for show

Not even when I read poetry
I was invited so I just go
I assess the room
go on stage instead of bus tables
I am not the party
I clean up after people

This is not the skill-set I asked for
I wish I could build your house
and plan your every need
but instead
I keep showing up
to ceremonies
Please do not hire me

Here I Am

I couldn’t imagine

meeting me for the first time
not because I am special
but because I am
the most ordinary thing
Nothing extravagant
has ever happened to me
My stories are the same
as anybody’s
just embellished
I’m always on edge about that
When I wake up
it’s to an alarm clock
and just like you
I silently wish
my job has burned down
and no one would notice
if I never showed up again
When I get low
the blues makes me happy
When I get high
I can’t stop laughing
I couldn’t imagine
ever meeting me
because I want to meet you
it's all I think about
So that’s what I do
enter into each day
looking for doppelgangers
and other sordid people
who feel like me
It’s tough to say
if any day has turned up you
but for whatever reason
I just keep pressing through
And some days I hide
other days I’m the loudest
person in the room
Maybe I wash my hair and put on mascara
I actually don’t know what to do
to find another ordinary person
that just wants to sit with me
and figure out what it is we want
for dinner

Bears and Wolves and How I Make Everything About Me

Besides the dreams I have
about a bear bobsledding
down the wrong side
of the street
and a wolf stalking me
while I shop for groceries
I rarely think of bears or wolves

I mostly think of me
At my worst
I am painfully aware of me
dirty fingernails and crooked teeth
Weak chin and forehead
and other things I do not speak
Nervous and screaming, look at me

I am okay with that
I just gotta be me
so I remind myself
that I am sweet
My words are affectionate
and though I am too forthcoming
I am as honest as I can be

All Animals are Born Naked

Today I slept in the baptism of a dark room
I did not think of sex or friendship
I only thought of sleep
When the left side of the bed would call to me
I would roll over and warm myself there
and when the right side of the bed
called back in jealousy
I would reach my arm out and comfort it


Last night I dressed myself for warmth
the rain fell soft and cold around my patio
The view was new to me but felt like home
I kept thinking
I am so lucky
and when the muse visited me for the third time
I gave myself completely to him
We spoke of bears and wolves
and other things I am not afraid of


We are all born naked
our flesh covered in womb
the insides of a woman
Upon arrival, we all fought for breath
our lungs, new to us, ballooned
it was painful, it hurt to live already
Each and everyone of us
entered this world crying
None of us asked for this

Sloth Parade

When it moves slowly,
and there is no room to interject,
the sloth parade begins
Though the movement is purposeful,
it's too calculated to witness
Hit the ground running suffers this,
why isn't anything happening?

The sloth parade
is fresh paint and blades of grass,
but more than anything,
it is a flower in bloom
or, perhaps,
the correction of crooked things
You still don't know what I mean

If so, we can correct this too
To put it simply,
the sloth parade is everything
you didn't realize was happening
It took too long,
but made the moments ecstasy,
and the hangovers easy

When You Feel Like an Animal Looking at the People

The mirror was reflecting the light
I was, at once
disappointed and mesmerized
I was on a mission to create a collage
It was important to me
to approach the task with parameters
no squares, no frames,
the mirrors had to speak to me

The frame was maybe 22'' by 36''
It was yellow, I could tell it was old
But what struck me most
was the imagery
I think it is a marsh
but nevermind where they were
These two cranes anchored
and lived in the mirror

I look at them everyday
but still cannot say
what they are up to
I purposefully hung the piece
too high up on my wall
to investigate me
because I know the prehistoric birds
are me

About A Cat I Just Met

It is strange and simple
to be me
I don't even have to look both ways
to cross the street
They only go one way
or the other
I am mutilated
but I am lucky
this thing that makes me different
is endearing

I chase the moths
roll my body on the pebbled sidewalk
I am petite and open to friendship
and when the moths don't want to play
I will stop and prove to you
that I noticed you too
I will not mind your cigarette
because you didn't feel sorry for me
And you can pet me
because I love you already

Bubonic Boy

I tried to think of a way

to compliment him

by pointing out his likeness

to the Black Plague

He was so curious to me

not human

he couldn't possibly exist

but people had experienced him

That seemed unnatural

so all I could do

was avoid him. 

Tinder

I once had a vintage match collection
but I lost it in a series of fires
I lit dozens of packs of cigarettes
Every spark a catalyst
every spark went down in flames
Remember, my ashtray is overflowing

Once I told myself to temper my temper
I stopped being angry a long time ago
Shortly thereafter I promised myself
that the seventh definition of 'mad'
as defined by Noah and his dictionary
is completely delightful, and dignified

I've traveled back to that time again
in a series of trials
devoted to understanding
the delicate intricacies
of getting what you want
getting what you deserve
Putting out, and starting fires

Come As Us Are

anything better than good
is so good
when you find it in a person
over-stimulation is the norm
you trust the voice you speak with
feel fine in your skin
there is nothing left to do but smile
and enjoy your new friend

30 Seconds and Every Ounce of Me

For eight years I counted to thirty
every time I pulled a shot
At eight seconds, the espresso would fall
Dark chocolate stream
eventually turning to caramel
everything that makes coffee good
was expressed and then the hot water
would flicker and thin
Press stop
Disengage the half-minute
An ounce exactly
Three layers, the crema settled on top
It is good
I am doing this right

Three of Thirty

The known appears to be unreliable
There is food on the ground everywhere
but I keep spending half my paycheck
on ordering in to eat
I know there are places
where this truth is not true
but this just proves my point
The unknown is cattle call
They keep showing up in droves
Scientists are still unsure
of what it is exactly they expect to see
but we've hypothesized
it's just a city they've never seen
....

Patiently Waiting For Mary

This poem is not about Jesus
I assure you, nothing is about Jesus
If it is good, soothes your anxiety
and stains your lips
it is kissing and red wine
If it is good, brightens your day
and warms your heart
it is the sun and kindness
If it is good, holds your hand
and softens the fall
it is love and tall green grass
When you wait for it
with every breath
inhale, waiting
exhale, waiting
while your heart remains calm
and rid of fear
it is not Mary, it is you

DeLorean (The Bed I Make but Never Sleep In)

My heart is a broken time machine
My memory too
It replays everything I ever said to you
our first hello,
my expectant words
that say good bye
and I love you

It actually embarrasses me
that the room I reserved for strangers
comes with a tear in the blue sheets
Perhaps I shouldn't remind you of that
in the middle of your sleep
how could you know
about softener sheets

It scares me with all of me
that this brand new bed
is mine and only mine
except for those few moments
spent with you
I may as well die now
except you noticed I was alive

When It's Dim and How I'm Not Stupid

I am always in a good mood
It is not because I am stupid
It is because it is simple
Choose a mood
Good or bad
I make really good decisions
I am looking to fall in love
quickly and steadfast
I am sorry
It is just who I am
I am going to go outside
and smoke a cigarette
I know it might be raining
I know it might kill me
but the lights in here are dimly lit
 it makes me nervous
and the patio is good company
I take back all apologies

sugar water, placebo and simple syrup

if my accent seems sweet
it is because you do not know better
if this leads you to believe
anything besides sweet suffering
I invite your heart to sit next to me

here, I am sorting through the clovers
they keep coming up in three
I smell my fingers
the only thing I know is me
and the way the weeds and flowers smell

I wish nothing more than to find
a lucky token
that is why I am so good at finding pennies,
nickels, dimes, quarters, and lost things
I am actually good at finding every thing

Scenic Route

I don't really take people seriously
when they talk about building walls
A wall exists
or it doesn't
or it takes a long time to build it
The in-between
is time-management
and convincing people
they will never ever want
what is on the other side of it
which is, if we are being honest
 impossible
But when people get on that live wire
and talk about tearing down bridges
(I would much rather tear down walls)
the hairs on the back of my neck
stand erect and I am like
I need a blueprint
Tell me exactly what will happen next
Tell me what you plan to build instead
because destruction happens in an instant
and I am only okay with that
if what is underneath
is better because it is tried and true
or if what is new is fool-proof

Hi. I. Think. I. Love. You.

Death put a promise ring on me
the day I was born
We have been intimately involved
ever since
making dates and imagining ways
death could take me out
moon-lit walks in ill-lit parks
late night drinks at local dives
hundreds of poems that do not rhyme
Death has proposed to me
nearly every single day
since he made himself known
Suggesting I take his hand
into my own
and as romantic as it seems
I keep saying
No
When we do marry
when we become one
a congregation of family and friends
will escort me down the aisle
and though they will not understand
what forever means
they will cry at our union
and be happy for me

By Another Name

Tonight I spoke of gravity
and apathy
but I omitted the way
your hair falls down your shoulders

The kids were nervous and using
$10 words
and at least one of them
asked us to come to Jesus

I smiled so hard the whole time
It'd been so long
since I'd been to church, I forgot
how much youth hurts
    when your heart is sweet
    and you don't understand
    the only enemy
    is gravity and apathy

I guess I call grace by another name

down low (triple life)

if you, in your insistence,
are a piece of shit,
than I am too
if I, in my persistence,
can not have you...
isn't it sad to think like this
Maybe it is just me
but every time we speak
you are smiling, you are witty,
and seem to understand what I mean
when I casually mention
alternate realities and infinity
I was just talking shit
but you were definitely listening
         

State of the Union

I won the lottery a long time ago
but because I do not memorize history
I can not delicately allude to a character,
empire, romance, or era to prove me

I am rich. I am cinde-fucking-rella
and am only being crass because
we are all vulgar in our honesty
as often as we are crude in our ignorance

Something else we all have in common
Our open witnessing of our ability to
meet opposition with absolute disregard
to politeness or formalities

I wonder what it is like for you
afraid to love and afraid of hate
but you won the lottery too
Welcome to Earth. We are the meek

Full Circle: Revolution:: Revelation

There are 365 days in the year
because there are 360 degrees in a circle
and our Earth revolves around the sun
in a near perfect circle

My heart is shaped the way it is
because I was thoughtful
when I put it together

I can answer other questions too...
Why is the sky blue?
Well if the sky is anything like me
it is because it misses you
It misses every time you looked upward
instead of at your miniature computer

Everyone is so lonely
for human touch
Pick me. Heads down. Thumbs up.
Hands too full with useless objects
when you could wake up every morning,
mind full of...the whole wide world