Saturday, June 25, 2016

Redefining 'Existential Crisis' Part II

It is the way Ray Lamontagne says
"Three more days
Girl, you know I will be coming home
to you, my Darling"
I believe it every time I hear it
Maybe it is Friday
so I hold my breath
for seventy-two hours
and shave my legs on Monday

It is the way Leon Bridges says
"Baby, Baby, Baby I'm coming home"
I hear it while I bus tables
believing you will walk through the door
at any moment
I am so excited for you to show up
so I clear tables better than anyone ever
wishing I had worn a dress
hoping you notice my kindness

It is how I 'Remember the Mountain Bed'
calms my nerves when I can't sleep
"why people laugh and love and dream
they fight and they hate to die."
Every time I listen to these words
I listen to them at least three times
and to be honest, it is all I listen to
"...I see my life was brightest
where you laughed and laid your head."

Redefining 'Existential Crisis' Part I

A few months ago
someone asked me
what "existential crisis" means
I said
it's when you start realizing
that other people
aren't like you
so you start trying
to be a better person
for them
Someone immediately stopped me
they said, "No, 'existenialism'
has nothing to do with other people.
It is when you question your self,
your own existence."
I honestly didn't see the difference
but conceded quietly.

Today I got so excited for you
I haven't felt this empathetic in years
Every time we spoke
or brushed by each other
I could feel you in the future
smiling, gleaming, laughing
Every time I asked you for a favor
I could feel the past in you
saying, "yes I will do this now"
and by the time it mattered
everything that needed to be done
was done
and it was easy
because you did it for me
without thinking
that it was some kind of burden
on you

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Pick me

I pick you

Sunday, June 12, 2016


The thing about kerosene
is it's meant to be lit.
A fire is its intent
To store it in a damp place,
to keep it and not use it,
must be some kind of a sin

but that's not the point

I am not gay
I am not black
I am not Christian
I have been raped
I have been judged
I see the best in people
I do not understand
how hate still exists

I do not want bad things to happen
to make good people understand what bad is
I do not want the good things that happen
to be put on pedestals
Goodwill is breathing to me
Kindness is my heartbeat
None of this makes sense to me

I guess I just want humanity
to breathe the same breath as me
Inhale (slowly with great purpose)
Exhale (slowly with great purpose)
every breath in an escape from greed
every breath out an entrance to good deed

in my small world, this is breathing
but maybe for you
this is a whole new way of thinking

Thursday, June 9, 2016

No. New. Friends. And other ways I love you.

I wish my headphones were louder.
I wish I could talk to people,
have everyday interactions
with my headphones in my ears.

There is a song that I know
called Radio Child
and when I can not hear music,
it becomes me. I start singing
anything that seems fitting
to what I am seeing
or hearing
and this is where puns come from.

Most recently, I have learned love
and can be myself completely
with anyone who wants my company.
I am choosy, particular, almost selfish
with my time now. No. New. Friends.

I think about your shirt sleeves
more often than I should.
There is a perfection
in the way you fold them
that I admire and it consumes me.
I want you to teach me.
I think about you all of the time,
wonder what you are eating,
worry about how you are sleeping,
wishing you were here with me.