Thursday, May 17, 2018

May (One of Twelve) or My Love


I am ecstatic
and rarely think of death
the way I used to
We spoke in passing
of the way you thought
you would walk into the woods
and I would make a bed
in my downstairs bathroom
either way, careful to make sure
no one would be bothered
by the mess our bodies would create

I am only bringing this up
to remind you, me,
and anyone that is listening
dying is a part of the dialogue
that being alive speaks
If you want to marry me,
I vow to you
I will go out of my way
to stay alive longer than you
I am ecstatic knowing
you're not going anywhere soon

I am ecstatic
falling asleep next to you
Your body is warm
and particular and honest
You should know
that I cry more than you do
Every time you leave
or have to work later than me
Every time I move something
in our room or rearrange anything
It is just me missing you

My Love, I believe there is a space
where two people can live
without recognizing creation or destruction
can be thoughtful and reckless
think as one but be two
where perspective is often wrong
and admits so gracefully
A place where doubt cannot exist
and reassurance holds company
with the saints and everyday kindness
like an epitaph written by the deceased


Tuesday, April 24, 2018

April or 12 Months/12 Poems

If every one could take a moment
Go around the room
Say something nice
About me
Now is the time
I am nicer to strangers
than I am to my own blood
When I say I have no expectations
it is because the only things I look forward to
are the things I am doing for myself
and the people that see me do those things
in real time

This coming of seasons has been hell
Guess I don't like it when it's cold
when it's not supposed to be
Guess I liked it more when I could get my sad
when the sun was shining, finally
Maybe I don't like to put things on hold
if I know they are happening regardless of me
Maybe I'm doing better than I let on
If this were being recorded
no one would ever worry about me,
but they might wonder how
I figure out how to get all this sleep.

This is the only poem I will write in April
I hope to sound like a bat-shit crazy person in May
whilst writing every thought that comes to mind
while he is away
I think there is something very special
about reserving your thoughts,
your greatest ever thoughts,
for the person that you are forever with
while they're away
I hope he tells strangers about me
while I remind every stranger I never knew
that this is what I was saving myself for










Saturday, March 17, 2018

You Rhyme With Purple (I Want You Only)

because we do listen to the same music
even if it its against our wills.
And the lyrics you love
speak to me too and light me up,
like a slow reveal .

I am a bastard to timing
and leave you out there often
but in this dust of thoughts,
here, where the bone fragments remain,
I must tell you

I am yours only

So get used to words like "purple" and "kind".
Get used to being mine.
Here, where I first saw you,
and last year when I cried
about how I didn't want it to be you

I want you only

because we do listen to the same things
even though it is against our will.
And the people you love
love me too
and we were always meant for each other

Friday, February 9, 2018

Looking Forward to Being Dirt

I told you I loved you
with every fiber
of my broke down body
and you said
I can't wait to hold your lil
crumbling body together til
we turn to dirt

I wanted to cry
but I was keeping busy at work
Do they let people
be buried in the same coffin?
Can we die at the same time?
If I kiss your skin every minute,
on the minute,
can we somehow blur the line
of whose heart is beating
if ours begins to beat in same time?

Extremes are middle ground
Forgiveness was last year
You speak and gesture and take me
and I barely even rearranged
my furniture but am telling you
I want you
and you are telling me
to fall apart
limb
by
limb
so we can live together
so I do



Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Death Wish 20/20

Cigarettes, wine
I'm trying  to make a list
but am very distracted
by
you
It would be easy to just say
I love you
I  love  you.
Today I woke up and my heart was light
You were sleeping next to me
I  pushed you further over
There is no way
I can get closer to you
I love you.

it is a strange thing
to be in love with the world
and hope every day
that the world
finds some sort of grace
that lets it be noble and elegant
again
it is stranger still
to know
that the world has never been gracious
and that the only remedy
we've found thus far
is human love
that has fought so hard
that we have to die
and it is only individuals
that amend the human condition
You are one

Cigarettes, wine
I love you.
it would be easier
if my line of sight
were blurry
but I see things clearly
always
You are my death wish.
Please don't die before me

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Canvas

I spent three years intimately involved with me
and am having a rough time breaking it off
It is as selfish as you think
I woke up one morning and thought
What is the most important thing to me?
The answer was not poetry or friends
or boys or family or even world peace
It was building a home for me

The task is complete and now every thought
I have about this home feels like masturbating
I have to break up with me

Today while vacuuming my only rug I thought,
If I end up in hell, it will be on cleaning detail.
I will look at my assignment and then at God
and I will smile and I will say, "Thank you."
What is the most important thing to me?
The answer is world peace but I am afraid to die
so I plan to start calling my mother more
and to visit my sister in Oklahoma City soon

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Grind

The last time I did drugs was six years ago
after I found out my boyfriend was an asshole
I did a line of shitty Arkansas cocaine
and moved his mother's dining room table
into the hallway of our condo
stacked those heirloom chairs and all his clothes
on top of it so he couldn't walk in
An hour later I put everything back in place
It was almost sunrise before he came home
and we had sex for the last time


I buy lottery tickets with my tip money
and you would ache for me if you only knew
how much I really think I will win every time
that I scratch the quarter across the paper ash
My modest daydreams are not asking for much
The most heartbreaking thing about it though
is my favorite fantasy of not telling the one
that I want to marry about all my new money
until he proposes to me and then, surprise!
I am rich. I am very very very rich


It has been eight months since I have had sex
and I still entertain the concern
that I control the weather
I am trying to let people be close to me
by telling them my inner thoughts
while animating my current thinkings
but feel further away as they just laugh at me
Funny is a code word for deeply thoughtful
and also I am obsessed with cleanliness
because I am trying to be close with God