Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Death Wish 20/20

Cigarettes, wine
I'm trying  to make a list
but am very distracted
by
you
It would be easy to just say
I love you
I  love  you.
Today I woke up and my heart was light
You were sleeping next to me
I  pushed you further over
There is no way
I can get closer to you
I love you.

it is a strange thing
to be in love with the world
and hope every day
that the world
finds some sort of grace
that lets it be noble and elegant
again
it is stranger still
to know
that the world has never been gracious
and that the only remedy
we've found thus far
is human love
that has fought so hard
that we have to die
and it is only individuals
that amend the human condition
You are one

Cigarettes, wine
I love you.
it would be easier
if my line of sight
were blurry
but I see things clearly
always
You are my death wish.
Please don't die before me

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Canvas

I spent three years intimately involved with me
and am having a rough time breaking it off
It is as selfish as you think
I woke up one morning and thought
What is the most important thing to me?
The answer was not poetry or friends
or boys or family or even world peace
It was building a home for me

The task is complete and now every thought
I have about this home feels like masturbating
I have to break up with me

Today while vacuuming my only rug I thought,
If I end up in hell, it will be on cleaning detail.
I will look at my assignment and then at God
and I will smile and I will say, "Thank you."
What is the most important thing to me?
The answer is world peace but I am afraid to die
so I plan to start calling my mother more
and to visit my sister in Oklahoma City soon

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Grind

The last time I did drugs was six years ago
after I found out my boyfriend was an asshole
I did a line of shitty Arkansas cocaine
and moved his mother's dining room table
into the hallway of our condo
stacked those heirloom chairs and all his clothes
on top of it so he couldn't walk in
An hour later I put everything back in place
It was almost sunrise before he came home
and we had sex for the last time


I buy lottery tickets with my tip money
and you would ache for me if you only knew
how much I really think I will win every time
that I scratch the quarter across the paper ash
My modest daydreams are not asking for much
The most heartbreaking thing about it though
is my favorite fantasy of not telling the one
that I want to marry about all my new money
until he proposes to me and then, surprise!
I am rich. I am very very very rich


It has been eight months since I have had sex
and I still entertain the concern
that I control the weather
I am trying to let people be close to me
by telling them my inner thoughts
while animating my current thinkings
but feel further away as they just laugh at me
Funny is a code word for deeply thoughtful
and also I am obsessed with cleanliness
because I am trying to be close with God



Thursday, December 14, 2017

Stopschild

At the intersection I put on my left blinker
and remembered my passport

Wilco was playing, I tapped the gas
"Just remember what was yours
  is everyone's from now on"

We locked eyes
The pedestrian waved me on
 we conspired a plan
I would go
Then he would go
No one was hurt
There was nothing to worry about

but Vonnegut said it best

"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"

Welcome to the slaughterhouse
I hope your feelings are intact


Sunday, November 26, 2017

We Are The Only One

I believe in perfect women
because I am one

I believe in the perfect man
because I deserve him

I believe in people
because we are the only ones
who made up words
to describe every thing
we have ever seen
and felt

Ennui is a French word
Kindergarten is German

If you are not excited yet
I believe it is the punctuation
you are missing

I can see the mess we've made,
but this is not a train wreck.

I am looking around
and seeing people that are just like me.

Stop looking for a beginning or end.
There is no way you could enter this world,
except for in the middle, accept it.

If this seems like a love letter,
it is.












Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Just Give Me a Bullet

Just give me a bullet
I will ponder on its caliber
and root around
in my bag of tricks
for a gun
it will fit into

Just give me a bullet
I will finger its nuances
for showmanship
Present it to you
and palm it
like a magician

Just give me a bullet
I will fumble around just enough
make you believe
in Sunday mornings

Just give me a bullet
I will pretend you meant a bull's eye
and will hit it




Sunday, November 5, 2017

First, Second, Third Person, and You

First Person:

I was told the first person's name was Adam
I wonder who gave him his name,
if not his mother before him.
In Hebrew, Adam means "man", "clay", or "earth"
and is the oldest relative of me, you, and Jesus.
I sometimes feel comforted by this,
entertaining the idea that goodness
is a direct line with no obstructions
and the very blood I bleed proves it.

I tire of thinking of myself all of the time.
It is completely situational and exhausting.

If you were here, I could think of us.

If you are reading this, I am writing it for you.


Second Person: You

You are a character in my book.
You actually haven't been mentioned yet.
The final scene leans heavy on your presence,
is very dialogue driven,
and requires a suspension of disbelief.
You are the central character so everyone else
is preparing the audience for your entrance.
You get nervous in crowds so it is just us now.
Take your time. There is no rush.

You enter stage left and say,
"This is a play."

You take center stage, you take in the room.

The audience of one is captivated...by you.


Third Person:

She would do well if she edited her poetry
or abbreviated her day drinking.
She didn't know him from Adam,
but he had never met a stranger and remembers
her and other things she chooses to forget.
"He is unaware of himself", she thought,
as they walked to her record player, together,
and in one swift motion he explained her.
He had no idea what he had just signed up for.

Arkansas is quiet tonight,
even the cicadas sing in a whisper.

Shhhhhhhhhh...they say in hushed words.

He is glad he is hers